I am sitting in warm sunshine at the CCG (Celestial Cricket Ground), watching England thumping Australia, which is my idea of pure bliss. Hobbs and Sutcliffe put on 100 before lunch, and now May and Hammond are putting the Aussies to the sword. Tyson and Larwood are straining at the leash, waiting to give the Aussie batsmen a dose of “the cold steel up ’em”. To make things even better, I am sitting with old friends, some of them wearing, as I am, their Old Bailey Judges Golfing Society ties, and reminiscing about life as we remember it where you are now. As happens when you are happy, we are only bringing to mind the many good things that occurred.

This morning I recorded my best-ever round of golf at the Royal West Celestial Golf Club; seven under par! Which will make anyone who has ever played golf with me realise just how fantastic (not to say fantastical) life is up here!

As I sit here enjoying a glass of Pimms (which I am now allowed to do, without fear of the consequences), I am reflecting on just how lucky I was when I was living with you on earth.

The first bit of enormous luck I had was to discover, very early in my life, the only talent I really ever had; some might call it the art of advocacy; others might call it the gift of the gab, or describe it in even less complimentary terms. That gift allowed me to make a healthy living in a profession of which I am immensely proud, and which provided me with some of the best friends I made during the course of my life. Some of you may even be sitting listening to this drivel!

The other great stroke of fortune I had was when I finally stumbled across the answer to my other great talent, which was to drink myself under the table. Once skilful professionals were able to convince me that I was an alcoholic depressive, to which condition the only answer was total abstention for life, then I was able, with huge support, to deal with what would otherwise have led inevitably to utter disaster.

Greatest of that support came, of course, from the luckiest break of my life; meeting Elizabeth East. Lizzie and I have had our ups and downs, but she has been my salvation, without whom I would have been “dead meat”. She was the best thing in my life by a million miles. I suppose I will have to face the fact of ladies being admitted to membership with such fortitude as I can muster. At least it will allow me to see Lizzie once she is eligible for election, and I hope, in due course, both Miranda and Matilda.

And marriage produced Thomas Henry Boal. He too married an absolute winner, and they have produced two children who would make any grandfather both happy and proud. Perhaps my greatest regret is that I cannot be physically present to watch them progress further through their lives.

I am not in a position to influence what is going on in this service. I expect that some poor sucker will have to get up and find something nice to say about me (thank you Patrick). I hope no one has said “he always had a good word for everyone; he never said a nasty thing about anyone”. Lizzie and I sat at numerous funerals and memorial services at which Lizzie would whisper in my ear “at least they can’t say that about you”.

I know I was Marmite. I hope not too many of you hate Marmite and are only here because you felt you had to come. In my life I was lucky to find enough people who didn’t mind the taste of Marmite. I had the immense good fortune to have a wonderful (albeit small) family and some great, and very loyal, friends.

Hang on! Peter May has just hit Ray Lindwall straight back over his head for six! And if you believe that, then you’ll believe anything! This is a Test Match; proper cricket!

And now a spinner is coming on. He is far too young to be up here. He looks like an Aussie version of Boris Johnson (blonde hair all over the place, and his shirt hanging out at back), and is apparently called Shane something. Typical Aussie name!

Damnation! He has bowled the England captain with his first ball in a celestial Test Match!

Oh well; it’s back to Q Stand to see which of my friends has arrived from where you are.